The Observer Effect and Parenting

The Observer Effect: (From Wikipedia)

1. In science, the term observer effect refers to changes that the act of observation will make on a phenomenon being observed. This is often the result of instruments that, by necessity, alter the state of what they measure in some manner.

I've always been intrigued by the observer effect - the idea that looking at something, measuring something, somehow changes  what is being measured.

And then I had kids and the observer effect took over all sorts of pieces of our lives. Our newborns didn't sleep. And so we wanted sleep and watched their sleep. And the more closely we watched it, the worse it was. This same phenomenon comes time and time and time again. Food. Attitudes. Television consumption. Cleaning.

We plug in and suddenly everything feels like it's going to hell in a handbasket. But we observe, because there's some deep and abiding belief that observing is what makes us good parents.

But what if, sometimes, just sometimes, the observer effect is making everything worse? What if our oversight - of eating, sleeping, homework, and relationships puts added outside stress on our kids when they can least handle it or when they'd benefit most by being ignored.

To be fair, I'm not talking about radical rejection of my kids' lives. I'm talking about a bit of benign neglect - times when looking the other way allows them the frustrations and opportunities for growth.

At the playground, for example. Maybe reading a book or checking my e-mail on my phone isn't so bad, as my 4 year old struggles to climb the rock wall. Maybe making my pre-teen negotiate her own academic relationships with teachers is what's important, rather than checking the gradebook constantly.

Maybe just maybe one of the hardest aspects of parenting is not watching.

Middle school mania

I remember the day I got braces. I was excited to embrace my new life as a metal-mouth. That night, I lay awake in agony with a pain so deep I was sure I was dying. I took ibuprofin and ate soft foods for days.  Monkeymoo had exactly the same experience with her braces - from the excitement to the shocking pain to the middle-of-the-night weeping.

And it hurt me so much more when she did it. There's no way to explain to someone in the middle of such pain that it is transient. Telling them that they will survive and even be better off in the long run is empty when they are a ball of pain and tears. It's even worse when that pain isn't physical - but deeply emotional. There's no over-the-counter anti-emotional-inflammatory medication.

Which brings us to this: Monkeymoo has entered Middle School.

I've long thought that the middle school years were hard for me because I moved in October of my 6th grade year from a small town and a K-6 school to a big city and a 6-8 middle school. I figured most friendships had been long-established and girls had years to learn the proper clothing choices and I was just having a hard time adjusting. I remember being laughed at for reading the newspaper. I remember long quiet hours in the middle school library. I remember girls being awful. I remember making one friend as we complained over 6th grade math. I remember it being hard and confusing and I remember coming home from school, having navigated these complex mean-girl social relationships, and playing with Barbies behind the closed door of my room because I was lonely and sad and I very much wanted to live in the world I lived in before all of this.

It might be true. Maybe. 

So this summer, while Monkeymoo chattered with her best friend about how very excited they were for middle school, I cringed. I didn't want to project or stifle her excitement, but I didn't imagine there was much at all to be excited for in Middle School.

We are now at the Christmas Break of her 6th grade year and I can honestly say it sucks. 

The academics are great. I have no complaints. Her teachers are awesome and responsive and great. The social stuff is. . . not. 

There must be some weird switch that flips in girls between the ages of 11 and 14 that tells them to learn to navigate complex social relationships, but often goes into hyper-drive Mean Girls bullshit. I'm sure if I reviewed the literature, there would be plenty of meaningful explanations that helped me understand why long-time companions chose to end friendships. I'm absolutely positive if I did so, I would also understand why 11 year-olds, probably even my own, fail to do it with grace and their awkwardness is painful. I might even understand how and why social bullying occurs and how children I love and respect engage in deliberate social rejection. 

Or maybe not, because as I learned long ago - my belief that if I just read more I might uncover the weirdly complex nuances of social relationships is exactly what made me a middle school reject. And, of course, none of that reading can make the pain or confusion caused by those events go away, which is why I haven't suggested it to Monkeymoo. I'm completely at a loss to explain any of her experiences to her. 

Without going into details, my girl's experienced a wide gamut of friendship politics since school started. Alliances made, broken, reforged, whatever.  Monkeymoo remains confused by the whole thing. There have been wild mood swings (ah, the sweet intersection of social bullshit and hormones) and chronic stomach and head aches. There have been tears.  Of course girls get to socialize with whomever they choose and middle school appears to be the time they figure this out, but nobody appears to have much grace while doing it. 

And that hurts not only Monkeymoo. That hurts me. 

In one particularly harrowing moment, Monkeymoo screamed at me that she'd lost all of her friends and now she had nobody. I told her I knew how that felt, but in the end she had her family. She had us. We weren't going anywhere. 

And that's true. 

But in the face of Middle School, it doesn't feel like much.

Note: This post has been edited from its original format. It was not my intent to point the finger at individual girls - this is about all of them, including my own, and, even moreso, about myself and how I can help my daughter navigate these times in the best way possible. 

Addendum:
Turns out a quick review of the lit reveals ONE important tactic for helping girls through these weird years: Mentors.
Because I am the reader I am, here is some other interesting reading, if you're dealing with the wild middle school girl years yourself:
From Sugar and Spice to the Mean and Nasties, Barbara Meltz
When little girls start growing up , Barbara Meltz
Understanding Middle School Friendships, PBS
And this book looks good:  BFFs, Frenemies, and Mean Girls: The Drama Years (Whitney Joiner and Haley Kilpatrick)

I know I've been quiet. . .

I will hopefully be less quiet soon.

See, in August, I started that full-time gig I've wanted for so long. I'm not sorry - it's amazing and difficult and all-encompassing. It is exactly what I wanted and completely overwhelming at the same time.

So I've been doing that. I'm also still doing the educational blogging.

This leaves very little actual and real time for things like creative work, essay writing, blogging, or, dare I say it, parenting.

That said, I'm about to go on break - so look for me because I think I have some things to say.

In the meantime, please enjoy this kitten from www.tehcute.com.

Guardians of the Galaxy +1

Remember when I wrote that post about Black Widow and Disney? What you don't know is that afterward, I was feeling a little silly. Like I may have overreacted. Maybe.

So this week, after picking up a Dr. Who Microfigure from Hot Topic (Yeah, I was in Hot Topic. THAT store knows how to get its geek on without forgetting Harley Quinn or Wonderwoman, y'all), we dropped into the Disney store again.

See, we've all been anxiously awaiting the Guardians of the Galaxy movie and thought the Disney Store might have some nice schwag we could pet and ponder.

It's true there was schwag.

And it's even more true there was pondering.

Let me illustrate by showing you the full listing of Disney Guardians of the Galaxy  products. Setting aside for a moment the idea that these are labelled "boys" products, let's have a look at the only t-shirt that has most of the Guardians on it.

In case you've been under a rock or something, here are the Guardians of the Galaxy (Dude, go see it. You won't be sorry, I just know it!)

I'll make this easy. Just count them. COUNT them. Or, on your behalf, I'll give you a character list from left to right. Gamora, Rocket Racoon, Starlord, Groot, and Drax. 

 And now, for your viewing pleasure, here is Disney's Guardians of the Galaxy BOYS t-shirt:

Now count again. COUNT AGAIN.
Four.
There are four here.

So fine. Maybe Gamora's green was a screen too much for the printing of this shirt. Or maybe there wasn't room (though I do see a handy box filled with the Guardians logo and room both above and below for said logo, but whatever). Or maybe "boys don't want a girl on their character shirt".

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm not overreacting. Maybe it's bullshit, Disney. Maybe treating the lady superheroes who are developed and complex, who pass the Mako Mori test, who help formulate these story lines as a plus one is inappropriate. 

Come on. It's time to recognize that some girls don't want your overpriced princess fluff. Some girls don't want to wait for their Prince or escape their castle or be manic pixie dream girls or freeze the fjord. SOME girls want Black Widow and Gamora. Some girls want Avengers and Guardians. They want lady role models that can kick ass and take names. 

My girl, for example. 

She's ready, Disney. And she's starting with you. 

And when I say she'll kick ass and take names, I mostly mean "It's likely she won't shop at your store again and will grudgingly pay for your films only because she loves Joss Whedon and James Gunn. 

Edited to add:
I want to be clear. My beef isn't with Marvel or the movies themselves. In fact, the female roles in the movie - and their essential connections to the teams built in Avengers and Guardians are one of the reasons their absence in Disney merchandising is so offensive. The clear message to my daughter and little girls like her when they enter the Disney Store is this: If you are a girl, you are a princess or you are not worth our time.

Update: Disney has responded to my complaint with a form letter.

Dear Disney Guest,

Thanks so much for your recent email.

I certainly appreciate you taking the time to inform us of the
difficulties you experienced when ordering through DisneyStore.com.
This is not an example of the quality service we wish to provide and we
hope that you find this to be an isolated incident.  Please accept my
apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused.

We appreciate your business and hope you will visit DisneyStore.com
again in the future.

Sincerely,

Trey

The DisneyStore.com Team

Dear Disney: Avengers unassembled

When we entered the Disney store this week, the man who greeted us asked: What can I do to help give you a magical day?

My pre-teen daughter stood on the path in the Disney store, her back to the walls of sparkles and princess dresses.  She was staring at the Captain America: The Winter Soldier and the Avengers gear, packed over on what I can only imagine is the "boy side" of the store.

Here it comes, you're thinking. Another post about gender bias and toys and blah blah blah. But no. This is more complex and more simple.  This is a post about Marvel and the marketed toys for Avengers and Captain America. And it is a post about my daughter.

Monkeymoo dressed as Black Widow at the Denver Comic Con

Here's the thing about my daughter. In the past few years, she's grown to love and live the geeky goodness that her parents enjoy. We started with comics and moved into superhero movies and have now hit the zenith of Geekdom: The Whedonverse.

So back to the Disney store and her frustration. Fans might know where I'm going with this, I'm guessing, but let me show you the pack of toys that led to Monkeymoo's anger: 

It's called the "Avengers Assemble 5 Piece Set"

She picked it up. 

She put it back down in disgust. That's Avengers *unassembled* mom. I'll be honest. She said a few more things including references to the absence of other women (there was also reference to the absence of African American figures Nick Fury and Falcon in the Marvel lines, but that's for another day, another post, I guess), but I can't quite remember them and I don't want to put words in her mouth. Suffice to say her issue was this: With the exception of a Christmas special set we purchased from Target, it has been extraordinarily difficult to find Black Widow toys. 

We've found Black Widow collectors figures and trust me, we have those. But they aren't toys. They don't allow her to sit down and play action figures with her brother and her father. Trust me : She's standing on the precipice of teendom and our toy days might be short. We want her to play toys with us now, while we still can. We want her little sister, who looks up to her, to have Black Widow toys to play with in the future. 

We also want her to see that the Avengers aren't complete without Black Widow. But the Marvel toy marketing has shown her otherwise. Stand back, it says. The boys will take care of this. Don't worry dear, she hears. Iron Man and Hulk and (old school) Hawkeye and Thor and The Cap are on the case! See, darling, boys don't want a Black Widow toy and only boys buy Marvel Merch. 

Fortunately, the Avengers movie has shown otherwise. Black Widow plays a pivotal role - and when the universe expanded to include Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., our regular Tuesday night viewing, my daughter got to see a strong cast featuring several powerful women. The Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. ladies are strong. They are feminine. They fight alongside men and occasionally they swoop in to save men. 

My girls want to play Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. They want action figures. They want Melinda Mae. They want Agent Skye. They want Black Widow. They want *ALL* of the Avengers to assemble. I don't think they're asking too much. 

In 2006, Joss Whedon gave a speech for Equality Now discussing his answer to "Why do you write these strong female characters."  He ended with this: Because equality is not a concept. It's not something we should be striving for. It's a necessity. Equality is like gravity. We need it to stand on this earth as men and women. And the misogyny that is in every culture is not a true part of the human condition. It is life out of balance, and that imbalance is sucking something out of the soul of every man and woman who is confronted with it.

And look, I realize in the larger discussions about misogyny and rape culture and all of that, the availability of female action figures might seem like a minor cause. I'm writing about my kids' toys and their cosplay. I get that. I'm writing about merchandising and stuff I know little about. But I know Joss is right - equality is like gravity. We need it. We need balance. And merchandising a movie by omitting one of its pivotal characters is not balance, it's broken.

Avengers Assemble.