And now for something completely different, a review of: The Cape

NBC's been flailing about since, oh, the season 1 finale of Heroes in the way back days. Let's be honest, most of their shows kind of suck (excepting the Thursday night lineup which enjoys immense popularity that I really don't understand, other than the brilliant and always satisfying Community). Heroes was an attempt to bandwagon the LOST-loving viewers of the world and it failed miserably, thanks to insincere and cowardly writing.

I get it. It's tough to prove yourself these days and get footing as a television show when many shows are cancelled after one or two episodes (Viva Laughlin or Lone Star, anyone?). Writers have to cover a LOT of ground in their pilots - and even more in their first real episode - otherwise they'll hit the cutting room floor before they can even get their moms to host a viewing party.

So understand - I DO have empathy for writers, directors, and producers of television these days. That said, I'm not willing to cut them much slack when they compete for my prime time viewership. It's a tough world and if you can't cut it, go write for the CW or VH1 or MTV where I'm willing to allow you to get away with practically anything.

Now. On. To The Cape.

First off, let me say that Borat's side-kick is no liar when he says "The Cape? Well, you can work on that." Nobody wants a superhero with a dumb name, as evidenced by the Big Bang Theory's characters arguing over who has to be Aquaman. Still, I love comic book heroes enough to allow it. It's not the dude's fault his kid lacks discriminating taste in superheroes. The kid's 6, as many of us were when we loved Thundercats. . .

But here's the thing: NBC is going to get three kinds of viewers for this show: comic geeks, NBC drama folks who are willing to give it a shot, and lazy viewers who can't bring themselves to dig out the remote and are only watching it as filler before the 10 o'clock news. They are already in danger of losing the first two groups (if they're not gone already) and if they aren't careful, even the third will sigh heavily, dig in the cushions, and change the station.

Why? Well, here's what they are doing wrong:

• The theme music: the opening credits are borderline cool and have a comic-book-movie feeling theme, but there's no major catchy set of notes there for us to hum. Sure, a great theme didn't save Terriers, but nobody watched Angel without humming along during the opening credits. It doesn't make a show but it sure can help to keep viewers around in the beginning and it's great free advertising when a nerd says "I just can't get the theme to THE CAPE out of my head."
• The writers are rushed: A good story needs to breathe a bit and a great comic book hero needs setup, creation, a backdrop, and a villain. We know that The Cape has all of these things, because someone told us that in about 30 seconds. Or 1 hour. I get it. That was the pilot and they needed to set the story immediately, but they did it at the cost of setting the tone. The best ending for the first episode would have been the fiery explosion. Viewers would know he wasn't dead but would wonder - is he OK? Deformed? What now? How will he redeem himself? What will come next? As it was, they barely got that dialogue through their heads during a commercial break before The Cape was undergoing the radical transformation with the Carnies.
• Too much telling, not enough showing: we're told there are bad cops and shown one grimacing. We're told the hero loves his family and shown snapshots of him snuggling down with his son to read comics. We're told the Carnies are bank robbers and shown a quick montage of bank robbing. But none of this is allowed the breathing room it takes to be very interesting. Either the writers are, as noted above, rushed, or they just don't care that much.
• They are wasting their talent: Keith David, James Frain, and Martin Klebba are awesome. Honestly, a friend commented on Facebook that the show practically writes itself and the writers are in the way. He might not be wrong with these three on board. James Frain's talent alone could carry the villain - and yet what we see, either because of the writers or the director, is a ridiculously restrained version of the man we saw on True Blood last season.
• Honestly, I could go on but I won't. It's not fair.
• CGI Cape. Really? I mean, REALLY? We all saw the CGI sharks on LOST. TV should probably just do its best to AVOID CGI in general.

Now let's look at what they did right:

• They're seeking that comic-book feel: They're trying. The show's tonally confused and so to them I say this: go big or go home. If you don't take the full jump into the comic book land, you'll fail. Right now you're straddling the line between drama and comic book drama. Only Joss Whedon does that well. As for you, embrace the camp.
• They hired Martin Klebba, Keith David, and James Frain. USE the Carnies and USE the villain. Let those actors breathe. Be honest with yourself: The Cape needs a world to function within and that world needs to be as well-drawn as The Cape himself. And everyone knows Superheroes need foils. Ratchet up Frain as a foil and perhaps your main character will shine as well.
• Give Summer Glau some screen time, a back story, and some build up. You've got the Whedon geeks all lined up for a new joyous romp of geekery and you are going to LOSE them. Confused about the power of the Whedon geeks? Ask the former head of Fox. Or Universal. That's a phalanx of powerful tv-watchers with discriminating taste. Get them on your side and can do the impossible. Lose them and you will fail.

Look, I wish you luck. I really want to like The Cape, I do. I'll give you a couple more episodes only because I have a newborn and nothing better to do on Sunday nights. But shape up. I've got a pink slip right here and I'm ready to mid-mid-season replace you with old reruns of Angel. Or It's Always Sunny. Or Twin Peaks. Might do you some good to watch all of them and get back to your writing and directing. The Cape could only be better for it.