Cuz I'm about to tee off on the subject of gender.
A woman (we'll call her, I don't know, Silly Sally) somewhere said something so offensive, I just had to step in and say something - and because my parents taught me if you can't say anything nice to someone you shouldn't say it at all, I've decided to write it. So Silly Sally says she wants to have another child to "try for a boy". Silly Sally has always imagined "wearing a jersey at a football game on a Friday night."
Here's the thing: I know there are people out there like me who feel like this - but I have honestly and genuinely NEVER had a gender preference when I was pregnant. EVER. When I found out MonkeyMoo was a girl, I cried with the knowledge that I'd reap what I sowed and more as payback for *my own* teen years. When I found out The Budge was a boy, I wept with the knowledge that I had no idea what to do to raise a boy (turns out, it's quite similar to how you raise girls: love, food, change diapers, love some more. Who knew!). When I found out Tenacious E was a girl, I wept at the sight of that beating heart, those kidneys, and fingers, and leg bones all in the right places and the long 20 weeks to come while we waited and waited for her safe arrival.
Some women go through losses and realize that gender preference is stupid. Others don't need losses to realize that a child is a blessing regardless of their dangly (or non dangly) bits. But there are still some people in the world who have gender preferences. I guess that's their choice - and that's fine. I'd rather be elated at the positive anatomy scan than the actual anatomy itself, so insignificant is it, I feel, to my ability to enjoy a child.
But for those who *do*, well, let's revisit Silly Sally and her imagined future of "wearing a jersey on a Friday night game." I'm going to be honest - I've never held that preference and it's a damn good thing because my children weren't blessed with an overabundance of height or grace. I doubt they'll be swimmers or football players. Maybe chess. Are there jerseys for Chess Moms? Seeing as how my boy has a preference for Show tunes and wearing his rainbow silk cape or his sister's dresses, I have no idea right now whether he'll play sports or be in show choir. And - wait for it -
I DO NOT CARE.
Similarly, my daughter seems to be attracted to team sports like basketball and soccer. God only knows why - if she weren't so like me in every other way, I'd wonder who switched her at birth. She may well be into team sports and end up being the water girl for some actual team sport and I may well need to don a jersey on Friday nights to show my commitment to her. And you know what? I hate jerseys, but I'll do it. For her.
My point? It's around here somewhere, I know it. Oh, yeah, my point is this, Silly Sally: You may have a gender preference (though I think you shouldn't) but it's unbelievably unfair to weigh your child down with the detritus that goes along with that preference. Just because you have a boy doesn't mean he'll be playing sports. Maybe he'll be singing. Dancing. Maybe, just maybe, he'll be sitting alone on Friday nights playing Call of Duty with some guy from Luxembourg. Maybe he'll be the state champion in Chess. Who knows what he'll be - and honestly, it's unfair for you to put those expectations upon him before he's little more than an XY sperm that might one day meet an egg.
Meanwhile, look hard at your daughters. They might cook. They might do ballet. But they may well be the next NCAA college football kicker. Or cause controversy in the State Wrestling championships in Iowa. Who knows what they will be - or CAN be - particularly if you stack the deck in your expectations that with penis comes sports.
The only way for your girls to know that they can - or your boys to know that there are alternatives - is for you, Silly Sally, to stop saying shit like "We might try for another baby because I want a boy."
One of my favorite recent parenting experiences was watching three girls (one mine) dress up in wacky outfits and do battle on the field of the backyard while the boy child sat with my newborn girl and smiled, laughed, and nurtured her. THIS is what I want for my kids, Silly Sally. What do you want for yours?
(You should know, for the record, that Silly Sally's reasoning for wanting another child is because she wants A BOY CHILD. And if she had another girl, she expressed disappointment that her husband would be done because SHE WOULD WANT TO TRY AGAIN FOR A BOY. And she would "learn to deal" with having only girls.)
ya know, I'm with you on the not caring about gender, but I disagree that everyone who does care is choosing to care. I think some people really have a bias or preference, or what you want to call it. And I do think it's sort of sad, b/c it precludes a certain amount of happiness for ANY child. On a related not, it really peeved me that, for example, after I had 2 boys then #3 was a girl,people assumed I was really happy b/c I was trying for a gir. How is that supposed to make son #2 feel?? And they say this in FRONT of him! We're now expecting #4 and I tell certain people it's because we're hoping for one of each, let them puzzle that one out.
ReplyDeleteBJH: I totally agree that there's a difference between a simple preference and a person set for gender disappointment. But I also agree with the latter statement - it precludes a certain amount of happiness for any child. Absolutely. How must my daughter have felt hearing "So do you hope it's a boy?" or "YAY! A BOY! A perfect set!" - or my boy when I was pregnant with my third and he heard "Oh, another girl, how sweet." I like your handling for #4. I'm thinking should we ever have another, when people ask "What do you want", I'll answer "Well, we were hoping for a puppy, but I hear it's a human."
ReplyDeleteWell, I understand what you are trying to portray with this post. I even agree to an extent with the whole, boys and girls alike could play football or dance.
ReplyDeleteBUT, I did not want girl children. I am grateful I have boys. And when I was asked what I hoped for, I said boys. All the way.
I think the lots of people have preconceived notions of what life will be like with each gender. My oldest? Very feminine. But my youngest? Oh he's a budding football player. I am happy with them no matter what they choose, but I would not have "chosen" a girl.
Oh mon (that's "man" in Jamaican patois and I am so clever). Have I got a post coming up (in a few weeks) for you. I just have not finished it due to blood pressure and alcoholism concerns.
ReplyDeleteYou know that I am so far beyond giving the least little bit of a fuck about a potential baby's sex (I'd prefer the "alive" variety most of all, but no one seems to know what chromosome that comes on) but you know, that said, I can see where if I had a girl/girls, I'd want a boy, or vice versa. Not to project my own ideas about what they should be, but to have the experience of raising a boy and raising a girl. It's like Neapolitan ice cream. Riding wooden roller coasters and metal loop-de-loop ones. Test-driving a monster truck and a convertible. (I am not so magnanimous about my dogs. I will take German shorthairs, please and thank you)
I just really, really hope the universe is listening to this twat, and gives her that boy she so desperately *needs*, and that he wants to compose music or something.
Silly Sally sounds like a dumbass.
ReplyDeleteI only wanted my second child to be a boy, because after having one boy, my mom was stupid enough to say *in front of my boy*, "Let's hope you have a girl this time." Like he was somehow defective, and maybe the second time around we would get it right. Of course, my second was a girl and she is awesome, just as my boy is awesome, though they are awesome in different ways. Sounds like Silly Sally thinks of her children as accessories, rather than living beings.
ReplyDeleteBella: Why not raise a girl? They're pretty incredible. I love my feminine boy and I'm mad about my wild-haired girl. I struggle each day to be the right parent for them - but it has little to do with their sex.
ReplyDeleteKim: I know you know that I hoped the same, not because you wouldn't enjoy either one, but just to stick it to your mother.
C: Silly Sally specifically said she'd have more kids to try for a boy. That's what teed me off. Not the "I want 2 kids, wouldn't it be fun to have both" (because I do - and it is), but "I want to try until I get a boy" as if the girls are write-offs or something. Because penis-seeking is always a GOOD reason to continue to procreate. . . (well, hrrm. That didn't come out quite right. . . )
After we had A and were deciding if we were done Todd said he kind of wanted a boy, so he would have someone to go fishing and snowmobiling with. I asked why he thought the girls wouldn't do those things and he said because none of his friends' sisters did. I asked if the fathers every invited them to. The light bulb came on and he decided he was done having kids. (And then we had the boy. Who we hoped would be a girl, but for reasons that both had nothing to do with our preferences and turned out to be an unnecessary worry.)
ReplyDeleteI also really struggled with the "finally got your boy" comments said in front of the girls. I tried to respond with things like "We were kind of hoping for a girl since we already have all the clothes." Luckily my girls were too young to be upset by the comments.