Newsflash: Because it's a baby

Cruising a local parenting site recently, I can't help but respond to a few things. For those of you who are members there, I adore you and these aren't about YOU. They're a broad response to the ladies on the 0-3 month section of the site. And it's as much a note to ME as it is to them, because even I need these reminders.

Dear ladies with less than 3 month olds:

You've recently had a baby. Congratulations! I'd now like to respond to several of your recent questions. No, I'm no specialist. I've been a parent for 9 years and thus have come to a variety of conclusions about children based solely on my own experience with three wonderful, lively, needy little munchkins. I'd now like to respond to a bevvy of your recent complaints.

Why won't he sleep in the crib? Because he's a baby. He spent 10 months growing in the womb listening to the loud noises of your heartbeat, feeling the warmth of your body heat. He wants to be next to you and I can't blame him. Certainly you can decide to accustom him to the crib, rather than using it as a folding table for the mounds of clean laundry that are piling up (hello snapshot into my home), but he won't naturally want to be there. Because, naturally-speaking, it's in his best interest to stay close to mom and not, say, be eaten by lions.

Why won't she sleep? Because she's a baby and while it seems totally and unreasonably counter intuitive, I've come to realize those little creatures don't just COME knowing how to sleep. Well, not all of them. Some do - and those mothers should excuse themselves from this blog before I find them and burn the maternity pants they surely aren't wearing because they've had time while the baby sleeps to work out which is, I realize, a useless punishment but I'm not thinking straight because I haven't slept in more than 2 1/2 hour increments for the past 9 1/2 weeks. Back to the question: But some babies don't naturally sleep. Why? Who friggin' knows. It's not about why it's about survival and sometimes survival says put that baby in a swing, carseat, sling, or your arms to get them to sleep during the day OR at night. My babies need to be walked and bounced and patted all at once while in a swaddle AND sucking on a paci in order to sleep. It's not about WHY, it's about the solution and that's the solution. I encourage you to find your own - try walking stairs or doing deep lunges with them in arms because it might work and for some of us it's the only postpartum exercise we're going to get. When they fall asleep, if putting them down wakes them up, then for god's sake HOLD THEM. You cannot spoil them. In fact, if you look at my last blog post, even if you could call it spoiling, you only spoil them into empathetic and smart adults.

Can I put my baby on a schedule? Sure you can, but it's going to be a struggle unless you let your baby put YOU on a schedule. Why? Because you can't circumvent circadian rhythms, can you? Or, rather, you can but it's hella work. Why not just go with it?

What is the E.A.S.Y routine? I don't know where this comes from, but I've read that it's Eat, Active Time, Sleep, You Time which sounds like it must be from some book written by a man. In this house the EASY routine is this: "Eat with baby in the sling doing whatever the baby in the sling wants to do but cover the kid's head with a napkin because hot pizza grease is really killer, Attempt to get anything you can done at any time and be prepared for that to get interrupted by your baby when they express their needs which at this age are needs and not wants, Sleep whenever and wherever you can - if the kid falls asleep in the car and you only have one kid, close your danged eyes in a parking lot. If you have two kids and you're in the carpool lane waiting for a school pickup, go ahead and throw the sucker in park and take a nap. The car behind you will honk when it's time to move forward. You need to take time for yourself when you can get it - and whenever you can get it whether the baby's awake watching the mobile turn while listening to Mozart or asleep in the carseat or asleep in the crib (lucky bitch!) or just laying on the floor contemplating the stuff babies contemplate. Get a cup of coffee, take a shower, hand that baby off to the nearest living person over age 12. I don't care. Take 15 minutes a day for yourself. You'll thank me for it.

My baby wants to eat all the time, is this normal? Yes. Okay, let me take a moment to talk about nursing. Newborns nurse. Some nurse for 90 minutes every 3 hours, some for 10 minutes every 2 hours. Some eat every 4 hours (and we hate THEIR mothers but I digress). Babies will ask to eat when they're hungry, so that's cool. And they're not yet big fatty comfort eaters like the rest of us who will say "Hell yeah I'll have hot wings" 10 minutes after lunch because let's face it, hot wings are AWESOME whether you're hungry or not. But that's not what I want to talk about now. I want to talk about this: If you're coming to me for permission to quit breastfeeding, and often that's what's behind these questions, then you have it. You have my permission to quit nursing. You have my permission to keep nursing. Because ultimately, it's not about ME or what I think you should do, it's about what's best for YOU and YOUR CHILD and that's a decision YOU get to make and YOU get to live with. Do I think you should keep nursing? Sure. I think nursing's awesome as evidenced by the 4 years between 3 kids (and going) that I've done it. I think it's pretty much one of the greatest parts of parenting a little one. But that's me, not you. And raising your kid is about YOU and YOUR KID, not me. So do whatever you need to - but please, if you're asking me questions about it, ask because you want answers, not because you want permission to stop nursing. I'll give you all the answers in the world about nursing - how often, how difficult, how to solve a variety of problems, but if you want permission to quit, you need to find that in your own head and heart and NOTHING I say will give you that.

When will my baby STTN? I've heard of this acronym - it means "sleep through the night". I've also heard of this strange phenomena, of a baby sleeping all night long without needing its mother. My babies STTN at: age 2 1/2, age 9 months (using CIO in desperation) and NOT YET. So when your child, which I do not know, will do it, well, let me get my magic 8 ball.

How can I get my baby to STTN? Ah, NOW we're getting to something. But let's please get to the REAL question at hand, because it's not about your baby. The REAL question is: "How can I get my baby to stop waking me up at night." Really, very few of us actually sleep through the night. We rouse, roll over, turn the pillow for a fresh cool side, adjust our covers, and go back to sleep. Some of us (like those who have bad bladders after 3 kiddos) go to the bathroom and go back to sleep. Our babies are no different from us - they wake in the night too. Some go back to sleep, some don't because there are other pressing needs (hunger, dry diapers, giant terrifying shadows, worry about the collapse of the Social Security system, who knows!). I cannot tell you how to get a child to stop needing you at night. Eventually they'll stop or you need to train them that you're not available at night. One takes longer. The other takes commitment and hardening your heart a bit. You get to decide when that happens. But for those of you with less than 3 month olds, let me tell you this: YOU SHOULD NOT BE TRAINING A BABY LESS THAN 6 MONTHS OF AGE THAT YOU ARE UNAVAILABLE TO THEM. If they learn that on their own - that's awesome. Don't tell anyone or you might be stoned and not in the fun 4:20 way. If your baby is older than 6 months and you want to train them that you won't answer their nighttime needs, knock yourself out but don't ask me for directions on how to do it. I'm still not over using CIO on The Budge 3 1/2 years ago.

Here's my final thought (all Springer Style - cue close up to me and some tinkle tinkle music in the background): Parents of less than 3 month olds, it goes like this: You had a baby. Congratulations. Your baby will cry because it's a baby. Your baby will be needy because it's a baby. Your baby will do ununderstandable things because it's a baby. Your baby will want to be held because it's a baby. Your baby will want you - your warmth, your heartbeat, your smell, the food that you create - BECAUSE IT IS A BABY. If you don't want to do those things, be prepared to tell that to a human that won't understand you. If you're not yet a parent and you don't want to do those things, I suggest looking into a hamster because even a puppy has these sorts of needs.

And every time you're at the end of your rope, look down at that wee one in your arms and tell yourself this: They love me with a love that is greater than the world because I am their world because he/she is a baby. This is the beginning of the end of being their world. Over time they will learn bed and puppy and school and friends and all sorts of everything. Until then, YOU are their all sorts of everything.

ETA: FYI, because I realize this sounds preachy: Much of this is stuff I wish someone would've said to me before, oh, say, Baby #2. Adjusting to baby #2 was worlds of difficulty and much of it because I really wanted him to not act like. . . a baby. With #3, realizing that she's a baby has made my world SO much easier. No, I don't get anything done. Yes, I smell like vomit and she's sleeping in my arms right now, but I didn't go through 2 years of miscarriage, loss, and anxiety for nothing - I did it for a baby. The one who's in my arms right now.