Thursday, July 30, 2009

Since it's been about forever,

A quick update and the perpetual promise to try harder next time.

Tim and I have been, well, I'm trying to find a good euphamism for our past six months but I must admit there isn't one appropriate for prime time. He's been going through change at work - which is, incidentally, perpetual and thus not terribly upsetting -- but new all the same. In the meantime, we were shocked with a pregnancy in February, more shocked when that pregnancy ended in early March, delighted with a positive pregnancy test on the day of Relay for Life, and stunned into shocking silence on July 13th when an ultrasound revealed that this, too, would result in a miscarriage.

For the next 16 days, we waited, wondering if "expectant management" (the nifty euphamism for not doing anything for a patient who's carrying a dead baby) was the right choice. Yesterday we decided that it was not and used four tablets of an anti-ulcer drug called misoprostol to facilitate the miscarriage. Last night was nifty, but today, finally, we're feeling as though we're coming out from under the clouds.

Unfortunately for us, one of those clouds will follow us like Pig Pen's little cloud of dirt, sullying our attempts henceforth at expanding our family. When I found out I was pregnant with Lilly, there was not a doubt in my mind that she would *be*. I discovered I was pregnant with Carter a mere 8 days after ovulation - exceedingly early. Yet now, in the future, should we be lucky enough to again get two pink lines on those pretty little tests, I cannot say that I will know in my heart, "Yes. We've done it. There's our baby."

Because I knew that on February 12th. I knew it again on June 13th. And that just wasn't the case. I think the worst part of this experience for us is that in many ways, our entire first trimester of our future child will be stolen from us. . . or we will have to walk the fine line between embracing a new pregnancy and the knowledge that with two miscarriages in a row, our chances for a viable pregnancy have begun to decline.

Although we know statistics don't mean much. There was only a 4% chance we'd be in this position in the first place.
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