I'm going to bitch about getting and staying pregnant

and if you don't want to think about the unmentionables related to doing so, let me assure you this is probably a post you should skip.

For my whole life, I was told that getting pregnant was easy and nearly always except in very unusual cases, resulted in a baby, so be forewarned and BE CAREFUL. And I appreciate those lectures, I really do, because in my late teens and early twenties it was good to be fearful of that looming, terrifying potential PREGNANCY thing that would most likely result in a more terrifying BABY thing that would potentially ruin (or at least change drastically) my life. That fear managed to get me through to my mid-twenties when that terrifying potential PREGNANCY thing landed unannounced on my front doorstep, leaving me fully convinced that pregnancy was easy, terrifying, and always ended up in that will-drastically-change-your-life baby.

And then this year happened. While avoiding pregnancy, I got pregnant. It didn't work. While seeking pregnancy, I got pregnant. It didn't work. These two events have left me more convinced than ever of three truths: 1). I want another child. A lot. 2). I'm furious with my body. and 3). (somewhat related to 2) THIS SHIT IS NOT EASY.

Relax, it'll happen, well-meaning people say. You'll have a baby when God wants you to! they say. It'll work - you've had babies, you'll have them again. They say. And sometimes they say You have such a beautiful family. Maybe you don't need more babies. I know they are well meaning, so what I don't say to them but keep in my head is, well, a lot of things that I'll keep in my head so that the FCC doesn't fine me. I get it people, I do. But no amount of relaxing is going to change the fact that I'm more convinced now than ever that my dinner table isn't full, I'm not done having babies, my clock is ticking, and relaxing has so little effect on my cycle and conceptions that, well, I should laugh at you.

All of this brings me to now: Now I am pissed. This TTC thing has become a war that I plan on winning, by gar, and right now it feels bleak. But 15 days ago I added something new to my arsenal (I've charted both to conceive and to avoid pregnancy for going on 6 years now, so I'm an old pro at reading my body signs), convinced that this little baby would be my secret weapon:

And now I want to tell you something: This sleek looking machination of all fertility information is of the devil.

As I'm involved in the EAGeR study, a nationwide study of the effects of aspirin on gestation and reproduction, I've gotten a free monitor and I get to use it every single day of my cycle (an average person uses it only 10 or 20 days a cycle). The monitor watches two of your girlie hormones and tells you when you will most likely be fertile. Which is awesome, don't you think?

Unless you've spent sixteen days in a row peeing on those expensive little sticks to discover that every day is a confirmation that you are, in fact, not fertile. Then it's an overpriced rock you might throw through the back window.