My mental health

I appreciate that everyone is looking out for my mental health, even strangers, so I thought I'd take a moment to tell you where I am mentally:

Today I am tearful for a stranger I do not know who was killed in Haiti, a seminary student and friend of a friend. While listening to NPR I openly wept at the stories of Haiti. I am moved by the beauty of my daughter, by the laughter from the bird-man hair of my son, by the hugs and nods and love from all of those people around me who model each day the kind of open-hearted compassion for which I strive. I am joyful at the presence of my husband in my life. This morning I was angry at D2L, our new system for online education. I was irritated with my children's constant bickering and the coffee mill's slow pace.

In addition to all of those things, I spent some time grieving today -- for the woman I used to be and the woman I am, for the babies and ideas of babies I have had to say goodbye to, for my stepfather who I miss terribly as I stumble through this journey.

And while our culture is absolutely shitty at realizing this, I will tell you this so many times eventually you have to be able to understand it: When you ask how I am and I answer that I am fine, I AM FINE. I can at the same time hold in one hand all of that loss and all of that grief and in the other hand all of the joy and pleasure in this world. They are not mutually exclusive feelings, all of this darkness and loss and all of this joy.

If anything one deepens our understanding of the other, saturating our lives in ways we do not expect.

So I guess I am not fine. I am saturated. But saturated is okay too.