Pages

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

So here we are.

And I'm guessing we're the perfect American family: Mom, Dad, 2.5 children (do three miscarriages in a year add up to half a child?), and a cat. No dog, so there we fall short. But all in all, we're the perfect middle-class family. A dream come true.

And I think now is an excellent time to talk about dreams. As I was growing up, one of the many important things my family did for me was allow me to dream, to dabble in my dreams, and to find new dreams. Throughout my life they've encouraged me to dream, to aim high, to set lofty goals and to achieve them. As I was looking at colleges, they never once said "That's too high." When I finished my BA and applied to Master's and PhD programs from Harvard to Berkeley, they never once said "Perhaps you should be more reasonable." They always encouraged me to dream and to chase those dreams as far as I possibly could. And the prevailing attitude from everyone we encountered was the same -- dream, child, and your dreams will come true.

In many ways they did come true - I got the graduate degree I desired and worked with some extraordinary scholars. I got accepted into every PhD program I applied for save one (with which I am still bitter, but, to quote Ally McBeal, "Bygones." Stupid, lousy, DU). Over time my dreams changed - my Master's gathered dust while I rubbed my belly and dreamed of my daughter. Soon after she was born I dreamed of another child - and a few years later he came along. Throughout those days many around me were confused at the change in my dreams, but continued to encourage me to go for it - whatever it was.

And now we are here. I have dreamed of having a third child much longer than my husband has - when my son was six months old I knew I wasn't done having kids. When he was a year I began to discuss the issue with my husband. Last February we still hadn't come to a conclusion, but two pink lines told us it probably was no longer an issue. Unfortunately that pregnancy didn't stick. Nor did the one in June. Nor did the one this month.

So now we dream of our third child in some future tense - while the people around us tell us to look at the blessings we have, to enjoy the kids we've got, and that maybe we should potentially consider not pursuing the idea of another child. This, I am coming to understand, is the primary curse of secondary infertility and it makes me wildly, irrationally angry.

Imagine for a moment someone coming to me fresh off the stage from accepting my Bachelor's degree and saying "You should be grateful for this. It's a big, wonderful thing. Enjoy it while you can and don't worry about that pesky Master's. You probably don't need it anyway. " Or looking at a report card and saying "Wow, a C. That's great work. You could probably do more or do better, but be thankful for what you've got." Or when I got my first job, who would have turned to me and said "Gee, $10 an hour is an excellent living wage. I don't see why you would pursue an advanced education or a different career path: be grateful for what you have."

Gratitude for what I have is not mutually exclusive with wanting more. Feeling blessed for the multitudinous gifts in my life does not necessarily mean I should suddenly stop dreaming - had my dreams turned from a 3rd child to, say, a full time tenured position at a local community college and had I gone through 3 interviews and not gotten the job, no doubt the response of family and friends would be far from "Well, you tried but be grateful that you're an adjunct" and would lie firmly in the "Keep it up. Look, there's an opening here. Call so and so from there and try them!" territory. But with children, suddenly, the game changes. It's not acceptable to want more when you already have some. It's not acceptable to aspire to fill your dinner table if your family and friends' schemas all include differently-sized tables. In a world where we all cheer for people to do the impossible, surmounting this seemingly impossible task means I am inherently ungrateful for the two living breathing children that I have.

I cannot begin to tell you how far that is from the truth. I had no idea the extensive, miraculous cellular beginnings of a person -- even after growing two -- until we realized the myriad of things that can and do go wrong. If anything, my understanding of the two miracles I have has only grown deeper through these experiences. And yes, I am asking for the universe to grant me another. I fully understand what it means to dream, to aim high, to ask for the world and I am doing it. But as we work for something more, to fulfill the dream of our family -- the platitudes from people who have not been through it and do not understand bloom in our own minds. Meanwhile, it's all I can do to ignore it and spend today thankful for my children - and my dreams.

3 comments:

  1. Oh honey I am right there with you! People keep telling me to "just enjoy the girls I have" and "maybe God doesnt want you to have another child". I am so sorry that you are going through this. {{hugs}} to you today! If you need someone to talk to you know where to find me.

    ~Cowgirl~

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh hun! I love this post. The heart wants what it wants...of course, you're grateful for what you have but that doesn't mean you shouldn't want another one to love as much as you obviously do your other two. I'm sorry that your family isn't as supportive as you need them to be. Like Cowgirl, I'm here for you should you need someone! ((hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  3. To be fair, I have a good family and awesome friends who are good people who want me to be happy and see happiness in accepting what I have. My point is only to bring to light the fact that being happy with what you have is not mutually exclusive with wanting more and that I know full well that my dreams may come true, be abandoned, or change. I'm simply trying to say that they're still worth having.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...